Chris Told Me To

Chris Told Me To

This week we are back with our favorite show...The Bachelor and this week we start it off in the mansion with our lovely host Chris giving the girls some well-meaning (?) but questionable. Basically, he said to go shoot your shot and not worry about anyone else. Which is basically the theme of this whole episode, girls just being very aggressive. I also liked to say that this had to be the MOST sexually charged episode of The Bachelor, I have ever seen in my life. Like girls were full on straddling Arie. But I digress so...MOVING ON. 

Let's Get Ready To Rumble!!!!!

So this week instead of it being two one-on-one dates and a group date (like last week) we are doing one one-on-one and two group dates. We think that they had to rethink the dates due to the fact that Arie freaking blew his whole Bachelor budget on his freaking first date (throwback to him buying Becca K. diamond earrings and designer shoes). Anyway, so the first group date which includes our, resident 22-year-old Bekah, and our least favorite baby stripper, Krystal, on it. They head to this wrestling ring wear Arie claims the name as the "Kissing Bandit" (so freaking awful), and announces that they will all be trained by the old school "Glow" girls (ya know like from the Netflix show?) to have a throw down wrestling match.

During this training time, both Bibiana and Tia get their feelings hurt because the trainers wanted to have fun and trash talk...which did not work for them, and the girls got to pick their names and looks for the wrestling match. Unfortunately, this brought about names like "sex kitten" (of course it's Bekah) and "gold digger" (like come on ladies we can do better than that, or I guess not). MOVING ON. So while the girls waited in the stands, ready to take out some frustration on their fellow contestants, Arie took to the ring for an...interesting fight...

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First of all, Kenny came back! For those of you who don't know, Kenny is a pro-wrestling, ex-contestant, from Rachel's season of The Bachelorette. He also was the one who totally had a feud with racist Lee, and who "dumped" Rachel, so that he could say it was his choice to go home instead of being sent home. But anyway he was there, and basically was smashing Arie to pieces until the very last minute when Arie "won" and flipped the table on Kenny. I mean this was totally fake of course, but that didn't stop the girls from cheering for him and looking at Arie like he was the reincarnation of Superman. 

So the matches begin, and everything is actually going pretty decent...I mean for a match that looks more like an aggressive dress-up party than a wrestling match. Bekah called herself sex kitten more times than we could even count, Krystal showed us that she lowkey could and would murder all the girls with her bare hands...and enjoy it. All in all, I guess a normal date until it got weird? One wrestling pair went up and ended up doing some weird lesbian-sexual stuff. Like one girl literally flipped up the other's skirt and took money out of her underwear, and then made it rain on her...yeah we were all uncomfortable.

After that walk on the wild side, all the girls got dolled up and headed over to some cute little couch area to finish the date up. It was at this time that we focused on our youngest contestant Bekah. I mean we could focus on Krystal, but first of all, she's the worst and no one cares about her. So anyway, Bekah goes to talk to Arie, and we have decided that we can't help but actually really like Bekah. Why? well:

Like they are lowkey cute and I hate it  Image Credit:

Like they are lowkey cute and I hate it

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  1. She's super cute
  2. She focuses on her relationship with Arie and doesn't cause drama with the other girls
  3. She actually is incredibly mature for her 22 years of age and has great chemistry with Arie
  4. She just seems like an awesome girl honestly

Like if she wasn't 22, I would be totally behind this. But anyway they ended up just going to town on each other (which I'm not surprised about, but in the words of Jenn "she mounted him" which she did) and in the end, Bekah got the rose, which in turn exposed Krystal to be the shady B**** that she is. MOVING ON

About Beckah:

Jenn: She's igniting another member of Arie...

Camille: Yeah his d***

Camille: I mean she like brings him in with conversation and pins him down with her sexuality.

Me: You mean her vagina?

Merlot She Didn't

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After that...eventful group date, it was time to mellow things out with Lauren S. who was lucky (or unlucky) enough to get a one-on-one date with Arie. The two popped into a private jet and headed over to Napa Valley for a day of wining and dining. Now I preface this by saying, I think Lauren S. is adorable and a little ditzy. Like she seems like she would be hella book smart, but not very street smart. Honestly, we were totally rooting for her, but unfortunately, the date headed south really fast. The girl just couldn't get control of her word vomit, and just went on and on...and on. In her defense though, Arie wasn't giving her anything to work with, and there was like negative amounts of chemistry between them.

In the end, Lauren S. was the first one to get sent home from a one-on-one and it was as sad as you think it was.

Back at the house, Lauren S.'s friend Caroline (?) was freaking devastated and Krystal continued being the fakest of the fakest, and basically talking about how Lauren S. confided in her about how she was insecure about opening up, and blah blah blah. Basically, Krystal was really feeling herself and inflating her own ego, and no one was here for it. Also, we have all come to the conclusion that Krystal looks like freaking Lana from Princess Diaries and that someone needs to cone her immediately. #KrystalGetsConed.

Everyone listening to Krystal at the houese  Image Credit:

Everyone listening to Krystal at the houese

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*Also we were all in LOVE with Lauren S. and her outfit, it was super cute! So even though you went home, you totally slayed the outfit game!

On this one-on-one:

Ari: Does anyone hear the violins playing in the background?

The Bachelor: *pans to violins

Us: *screams 

More Trauma 

Basically what Arie did  Image Credit:

Basically what Arie did

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After the drama of that one-on-one, it was time for a fun and light-hearted group date. On this one, Arie surprises the girls with...PUPPIES! You would think everyone would be so freaking pumped about this, but no. So you remember Annalise right? Our girl who had "Bumper Car Trauma?" Well, apparently she also has dog trauma and like got snapped at by a dog when she was little. Basically, it was a chance for the editors to once again be hella insensitive and put in unnecessary video footage to capitalize on her trauma. (Honestly, I just need this girl to chill out)

I'm honestly not gonna focus a ton on the beginning of this date. They try to train dogs, children cry, First Impression Rose Chelsea tells us about her love for the stage, and an old man makes some inappropriate innuendos about this whole situation. In the end, we came to the conclusion that none of the girls know how to train dogs and most likely have never had one. They were just way to concerned with trying to be cute, accept Annalise who was scooping up poop... MOVING ON

The little party brings some more chances for the ladies to vie for the attention of our ever so average bachelor. FIC (First Impression Chelsea) gets Arie first and we spend time just making fun of how she says the word yes.  She is basically grasping at straws trying to figure out how to relate this date to the fact that she is a mom, and all we can focus on is the fact that Arie keeps playing with her sleeve. 

Arie and Becca K. (First date Becca, who was ballin' out of control after Arie dropped basically half a mill on her) reconnected and had the cutest moment with one another. Like super freaking adorable, and Annalise was just being über insecure and made very little progress with Arie. 

How we all feel about Chelsea getting the rose  Image Credit:

How we all feel about Chelsea getting the rose

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After all of this, FIC was the one who got the group date rose, which kinda freaked Becca out, and left us trying to figure out who we disliked more...Chelsea or Krystal.

Me: Honestly this is just like a really sexual season so far! 

Jenn: He is a man driven buy his needs

*Chants for Becca K. in the distance


The conclusion

Our deep stress for Bibiana  Image credit:

Our deep stress for Bibiana

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So now we have come to the dreaded cocktail party. We see our beloved Bibiana try and stir up some romance with Arie by making a super cute set up...that was then taken by other girls. Yeah Bibi tried and it totally fell flat. I frankly blame the trash producers of this show, because they freaking knew that Bibi did that for her and Arie, but they did nothing to stop it. It was honestly really hard to watch (not for me because I thrive off of this trash mess). But like our hearts go out to Bibi, because she doesn't deserve that.

Bekah comes through as my MVP pick of the night as she freaking calls Arie out for some ish that he's used to doing by saying that she doesn't really need Arie. She totally solidifies herself as the strong-ass woman that she is and Arie is totally down for it. I'm still upset that she's literally my age doing this, but also like she's more mature than about half the girls on this season so far.

Now back to Annalise, our poor hot mess Annalise, who honestly looks like she hasn't slept since this show started, was frustrated with the fact that everyone seemed to be kissin' up on Arie (can anyone say mono?) and that she has to now make the first move. *Cue us screaming on the couch about how that's not what you need to do. So she brings Arie up to some "private" area, basically asks for his permission to kiss him, and gets turned down...yeah hella awkward...but like that wasn't enough she went back, just to see how Arie really felt about her. In the end he felt nothing, and ended up doing the right thing and sending her home before the Rose ceremony even started. Which we personally thought was a good call. Annalise was a mess and her insecurities went way beyond this show. 

Finally, our last person to go home was Bibiana. Yes, our queen, our love, the only girl who called out Krystal for being a conniving witch, got sent home. We were not only disappointed because we did like her, but we were also confused because with Bibi gone, who would go on the two on one with Krystal that we had predicted? Only time will tell. 

Ending Notes:

  • I still think Arie is kinda gay sooooo...
  • Arie is just a really sexually driven individual on this season and I am not here for it
  • These girls man are so freaking aggressive!
  • Why the heck was everyone so casually talking about who has kissed Arie and who hasn't kissed Arie?
  • If you don't want to fight for a guy's attention...don't go on this show!
  • Bekah's face just stays surprised honestly.
  • You NEVER ask to kiss/be kissed by's just weird
  • Also there's some overly sexed up chick on this show who was just goin for it this episode...
  • Bekah is the most confident and self-aware woman on this show and she's 22.
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And that's what you missed on The Bachelor this week. Let me know your thoughts on this week's episode and if you missed last week's episode check out that recap here! And in the words of Camille "It's on a downward spiral to hell from here on out!"

I'm So Stressed!

I'm So Stressed!