Striking Out With A Dreamboat
This time on the Bachelor we peace out of beautiful but cold Lake Tahoe for the sunny weather of Fort Lauderdale, Florida, which according to Ari is "Sexy and Cool"(I mean sure...) But besides that, this is the episode that Krystal apparently loses her ish! So buckle down and get ready to know what happened.
Not Just A Mom
First up on the one-on-one date in Fort Lauderdale is First Impression Rose Chelsea (I'll stop calling her that) they go out on the pier and just gaze at boats. Chelsea is apparently just swooning all over Arie and says the cringy line of "I'm on a dreamboat with a dreamboat" (*gags*). The girls back at the apartment, of course, have a clear view of the date (because why wouldn't they, the producers are freaking ruthless, like they left a freaking telescope for them) where they witness Chelsea and Arie going full Titanic on this boat and make out on a jet ski, which can't possibly be safe.
They finish off this date I like some vintage car place? And Arie actually says something smart and realizes that he needs to be careful with Chelsea because she is a single mom and he doesn't want to waste her time. Also, this whole thing made me feel for Chelsea like she's been through some really hard stuff that she doesn't deserve.
Despite all of this though, I just felt Chelsea was way to freaking enthusiastic about everything lol. Like she was amazed by literally every single. Like yeah, she's been through some ish, but her "I'm just so into him, he's so hot, he's a dreamboat" just seems a tad bit fake, but who am I to judge? You get your rose girl (which she did). Also, the date ended like every date does, slow dancing with a random but talented country artist, serenading them...Typical Bachelor.
It's A Strike!
Back at the house, we get Maquel back! Who if you remember had to go home last week due to a family emergency. But she is back and ready for some one-on-one time with Arie, which she won't get! Because she's apart of the group date that includes some of our favorites like Bekah M. and Seinne, and our least favorite...Krystal...oh man. But good news, that leaves Tia as a one-on-one! So exciting!
But anyway the group date. They will be spending some romantic time with Arie...bowling? Um Okay because I guess when it comes to romantic group dates near the water, you always choose bowling. Anyway, everyone is being a little extra because first of all they are drunk and second of all they are all thirsting after one guy (and yall they are so drunk it's bad).
Anyway, things get interesting when it becomes a competition between who's going to be the group that gets to spend time with Arie tonight. In the end, Krystal's team wins, and she continues to be the fakest chick on the block and a total sore winner. But plot twist, Arie totally changes the game and allows the losing team to also come and spend time with him. This only served to make Krystal completely pissed and me utterly happy because you know some drama is about to go down.
The Melt Down
Yall Krystal is so freaking pissed like she is snarking at everyone. The producers, the sound guys, the girls. She trashed Arie on the bus back and as just all around crazy. Like, he freaking allowed everyone to the after party! He didn't freaking cheat on you!
But anyway, Krystal chooses not to go to the after party, because of the fact that he didn't consult him about his choice to allow everyone to participate in the after party, rather than be, I don't know, not a 12-year-old, and cry and whine because you didn't get your way. Yeah, it sucks that you have to share your time with like 9 other girls but get over it! It's The Bachelor! Anyway, she has her bags packed claiming she needs to see him mean it or whatever, and I hope to gosh she gets sent home.
(Also Bekah M. Does a freaking spot-on impression of Krystal)
So yet again, Krystal takes freaking time from everyone else, to get Arie involved in her drama which is so deeply inconsiderate. And oh my gosh guys, she freaking plays this dude like a mother-effin fiddle! Like this girl tried it! Like she honestly tried it! And I thought Arie was gonna fall for it, but he freaking puts this chick in her place and calls her out for this BS that she's doing. Honestly, it's borderline a Dad reprimanding his child (which is made only more fitting by the fact that Krystal sounds like a literal baby stripper).
The rest of the night honestly is pretty uneventful and filled with all the girls spilling their emotions and feels to Arie and him giving them literally nothing and then makes out with them. Which like what else is new? But wait it ain't over yet my friends! Because Krystal decides to grace everyone with her presence!!!!! Like I can't! can she please go home?! Like why are you here?
Not only does she come back, but she has the audacity to make a freaking speech to the girls trying to validate why she did the trash things she did! And no one is here for it. Like Bekah M. literally puts her in her place, and shows us all that even though your 22 it doesn't mean you aren't a gosh darn adult! Also can we talk about how all of this happened and Arie had no idea about it??? MOVING ON!
Time With Tia
Yeah you guys we still have a one-on-one date, but gratefully it's with Tia. For this one, he decides to take her boating up and down the Florida everglades and of course see some gators while they;re at it. Honestly this is a cute date, and fits Tia's personality perfectly. Also apparently Alligators remind Arie of love? Don't ask.
Also they tour some random man's house that he built in the middle of the everglades? I mean that's cool...I guess. And they eat literally everything that is fried. Besides that though, I think that this is probably one of the best one-on-ones because Arie actually opens up and shows that he has a personality, which is great. Because I personally find that he almost has no personality sometimes. (Was that shady? That was shady...).
Topping off this relatively chill date, Tia admits that she's falling in love with Arie, and we can all agree that we are terrified. (But more importantly we learn that Tia has a freaking Doctorate in physical therapy?! Yas Queen!) Also we get into some really intense faith talk? Which I'm personally surprised about, because we don't usually have that discussion on he show...like ever. Anyway...Tia admits she's falling in love to Arie, and of course he doesn't say anything back, because be lowkey can't unless he wants to start World War 3 on the freaking show among the girls, but he didn't make her feel bad about her feelings so I guess we're fine...ish.
All in all pretty good date.
Ransom side note: he fact that The Bachelor is named Arie and I'm also Ari is so weird and I high key hate it.
Dear Lord Help Us All
Now it is time for the rose ceremony, and can I tell you that I' lowkey grateful because this has been the most drama filled episode of my LIFE! Like the amount of Krystal drama has been draining to my life force. But her craziness continues as she is deeply convinced that her and Arie are meant to be together, because she went on that hometown date with him (like whatever girl you still ain't special). Right now though, everyone is trashing Krystal and obviously she heard everything, and claims that the girls are sabotaging her? Like girl you sabotaged yourself, don;y blame others for your trash behavior.
So to "diffuse" the situation, Krystal decides to hold her own one-on-one dates and sweet baby Kendall decides to go and tell her how she feels. Kendall calls her out on how she trashed Arie and basically told her that she can;t possibly be the right one for Arie because she should talk so much trash about Arie. Basically everyone is like grow up Krystal, and take responsibility for your actions. Also if Krystal says "I'm really hurt" one more time, I will flip a table. Also she called everyone else childish, and freaking through imaginary glitter to say that she's done...like what?
And now we cue a sob story from Krystal in which she basically tries to convince Arie that her trash actions were valid, and tries to play this dude...and I don;t think he's fallin' for it...
Also did Chris just clink his glass like he was making a toast? Go home Chris.
Also Krystal describing how many shades she has shown Arie is like the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life.
Now it is time for the dramatic conclusion: And you would've guessed it folks...KRYSTAL FREAKING STAYS!!! I'm shookm your mom is shook. I hate it. I'm over it. Everyone is dead and so is my patience for this show. I'll be back next week for more Bachelor recaps...I'm exhausted with this...