So I have a confession to make...I am hopelessly and deeply obsessed with The Bachelor... I know I know, it is such trash television, but like it's so bad that it's amazing. Anyway, as you know, the new season just started last week, and we will now watch as a generic, white, male, Race car driver turned Realtor looks for love in the most public of ways. I've decided, to kind of give you guys a recap of how I felt about this week's episode of the bachelor (just for funsies, and because I never really do anything like this). So here is what you missed in the bachelor.
A Recap before the recap
So yeah yeah I missed the first episode where we met all the girls, but if I wanted to watch an hour of like 16 blonde executive assistants talk about how they're so "excited" to connect with Arie (our 38-year-old bachelor) then...well I guess I just would've made more of an effort to watch the episode. But really all you need to know, according to my girl Jenn, is that Chelsea got the first impression rose by basically bulldozing over all the other girls to get time with Arie, and just being hella rude. Oh yeah and there's a 22-year-old on the show... MOVING ON
Dresses, and rings, and hometown dates??? Oh my...
Okay now let's get to the good stuff! Episode 2 is where all the true drama begins, and it does not disappoint. We begin this lovely episode with all the girls gathered around in the living area (completely unplanned of course) and waiting to see who gets to go on the first one-on-one date of the season. That honor goes to...Becca (T? B? I can't remember which initial is her last name, anyway she's a brunette so shocker). After a vague af letter from Arie, where I find out he legit signs the A in his name like a star...ya know like how I did when I was twelve? She is whisked off on his motorcycle to some unknown destination.
They leave the mansion only to arrive at a different mansion, because why not, and go inside only to see Rachel Zoe (FASHION DESIGNER) there with dresses for Becca to try on and keep! WHAT!? Not only does she get to keep the dresses but she also gets a pair of Louboutins (Red Bottom Shoes that I've literally coveted since high school) and a pair of diamond earrings! Like okay Arie, you def ain't ballin' on a budget here like wtf? I would say though, the best part of this whole exchange was when Becca had to go back to the girl's mansion to change and wore her Louboutins in front of everyone while carrying her bags of designer dresses. Like YAS girl, you wear those shoes. Anyway to end the date they had "deep" convo and kissed under a shower of gold confetti. All in all, we were convinced at the end of this date that he will marry this chick for sure. Also... how do you top this date?!
Well, a second one-on-one came again back at the mansion (which I was confused about because like do we usually get two in the first episode???) and it went to Krystal, who has a voice of a baby stripper...it's really annoying...like incredibly so... MOVING ON! They hop on a private jet and he takes her to...his hometown? Excuse me? I thought hometown dates were for later on??? He shows her not only his high school and his actual house...but he introduces her to his parents...like wtf is this? First of all, this is rude of him to just freakin' bring this chick to meet his fam out of the blue, like that's hella awkward and ramped up my anxiety to like 10 times the normal amount...and I'm not even on the date! Anyway, after that happened, they end the night with more "deep" convo (where Krystal shares her mandatory tragic backstory) and kinda slow dance while a semi-known singer serenades them. And of course, there's a kiss.
Back at the mansion, the girls get a date card that announces the largest group date in the history of The Bachelor (15 girls). This group includes first impression Chelsea and our youngest contestant to ever be on the Bachelor...Bekah! Who evidently where's little clothing, no bra, and always has over enthusiastic and surprised with every date card. MOVING ON!
Finally A Race car Themed Date
We finally arrive at the group date, and Arie announces that they will be driving old junk cars and smashing into each other bumper car style. This triggers some strong reactions from the girls, but especially Annalise, who apparently has PTSD from a bumper car incident in her youth. Now I thought this would mean that she literally was like run over by one, or her arm got smashed by one. No, this girl was just freaking playing bumper cars like a normal child and at one point they all ganged up on her...Yeah I know, trauma is trauma, but it didn't make it better since the Editors super-imposed video images of kids playing bumper cars while she was telling the story (When you simultaneously love and hate the editors). But her trauma story did give her some one-on-one time with Arie sooooooo...I guess you gotta hustle to get your man somehow.
So the competition begins, and the girls get out all their pent-up frustration, but in the end, Sienne (probably the most beautiful person on this show) wins the day, and has to drink milk? Arie says it's a tradition, I'm just like can this show get any weirder? So flash forward to whenever everyone is dressed like they haven't been hitting each other with cars, and they are all vying for Arie's attention. First impression Chelsea talks about her son, and how that makes her ready for love, Sienne shows us that she is too good for this show by talking about her time at Yale (like you're beautiful, successful, and you went to an ivy league university? Next Bachelorette anyone?), and our resident 12 year-old Bekah had some NSFW kisses with Arie (like we were screaming on the couch it was so cringe watching it). While this whole thing occurred, one girl, Bibiana was fed-up with not getting her time with Arie, and stomped off to go sulk in a bathroom. Like girl if you want time with him, just do it, don't wait and certainly don't stomp off to the bathroom. In the end, Sienne gets her much deserved, group date rose, and we move onto the the dramatic pre-rose ceremony cocktail.
Drop The MIc
In the thrilling conclusion of this weeks episode, everyone who didn't get a rose is freaking out, and the girls who didn't even get to go on a date with him are literally dying right now. SO it's safe to say that everyone is pulling out all their best moves to stay. Our resident 12-year-old is making out with him even more and one girl tells him about her taxidermy collection and brings a dead, stuffed, seal for him to see (yeah...I mean it worked, she got a rose). Through all of this, you would think those that received a rose are totally chillin' out...well you're wrong! Krystal decides that she wants to take up even more time with Arie, even though she has a rose. She is soon called out by Bibiana who says what all the girls are thinking and calls her out for being the trash person she is and taking up time that girls without a rose could have. Bibiana has now become everyone's hero and totally took down Krystal in a pretty amazing, valid, and calm way. Thankfully, Arie did not see this well deserved takedown occur, so Bibiana got a rose, but we defs have some show-made rivalry popping up between Krystal and BiBi (can you say future two-on-one?)
In the end three girls went home (one of them looked legit like a Victoria's Secret Model) which brings us to the Bachelor highlight of the night... Jenny's epic walk out of the Bachelor, where I'm pretty sure that she is the first person to ever exit the room without giving the bachelor the mandatory hug goodbye. This was only made even more iconic, when Arie goes after her (to get his hug, embodying every cringy guy we've ever met, who thinks he deserves your physical affection), and she once again rejects it. Like stop Arie, she does not want it. And that's why Jenny is this week's MVP.
End of Recap Thoughts
So here are just some end of episode 2 thoughts me and the girls had:
- I don't think Arie is that attractive
- Camille thinks that he has good angles...I beg to differ
- He has to have serious bank to be dropping Louboutins and designer dresses like that
- Bumper Car Trauma is an actual thing???
- There are a lot of Beccas and Laurens on this season
- There's a girl who is 22, and her and Arie have great chemistry, and it makes me cringe
- Bibiana is the best , and finally said it's not okay which Krystal was not expecting
- Krystal has THE most annoying voice and everyone thinks so
- Sienne is too good for this show and I'm totally calling her as the next Bachelorette
- This show is honestly trash